Here of late we have been told by people is some quarters, led by none other than the former vice president of these United States, that we are in the middle of global warming. Even though we have been and are still going through one of the coldest and snowiest winters on record. They even go so far as to tell us that the reason we are experiencing this deep freeze is of course global warming.

Well, I beg to differ with them and by using the same scientific research and laws of probability, I submit that gravity is the real culprit of this century. I have put a lot of personal time and energy into the study of this gravity thing and I would like to put it out for your inspection and agree or not you must admit that there is something to it.

The first thing I submit for your inspection is my own body. If you would have taken a picture of me in the fullness of my youth and then take one now in the same positions and at the same angle you would plainly see that my chest has dropped almost to my waist line. Other parts have sagged to the point of almost cartoon proportions. Even my hair which once stood so magnificent on my head is now thinned and has dropped to my chin, under my nose and even sprouting out of my ears. I carry more weight and all in the wrong places. The weight has drifted into corners where it makes it difficult to walk and move. I feel the pounds that I carry is heavier on my feet and I sometimes need a little help getting up and down.

I know other people are experiencing the same heaviness. There is even a commercial where the lady is lying on the floor and is begging for someone to help her because she has fallen and can’t get up. Some find this gravity thing at a lot younger age than I did. It affects some to the point that they become bed-ridden, some have to use canes and walkers while others have to be placed in nursing homes or assisted living facilities.

It is time the whole world becomes aware of the gravity problem and the government needs to do something about it right away. I think a congressional committee should be convened and American industry put on alert that what they are doing is causing gravity to become heavier. I think they should at least pay me a couple of million dollars for the time and energy I have spent looking into this problem. After that I should go on a speaking tour where I can accept the accolades and monetary gifts not to mention the backing of the scientific community and try to graciously accept the Nobel peace prize with the dignity needed to keep the process alive long after I am gone.

I must submit my final analysis for your consideration before concluding this report. I report that no where on earth is gravity more prominent or pressing than my old chair. It sits in the corner with a reading lamp and at first sight it appears to be nothing more than a chair used for sitting and reading and working puzzles on line, but if you look closer you will find that there is a place in the center of the seat that has sunken and now a pillow is needed for the lower lumbar. I myself can feel the extra pull of gravity when I begin to sit. The pull is overwhelming and I feel myself drawn into the chair, down, down, down until I feel the chair take over my entire body.

If I felt that I was the only one to feel this way toward that old chair, just let me give you this added secret knowledge. There are many others who feel that the gravity in that chair is heavier than anywhere else. There are times when people who don’t even live in this house will come in and will grab a seat on the sofa or on one of the other chairs. Sometimes there are small children and if one of them should start to sit in my old chair the grown ups are quick to go over and whisper into their ear and then all of a sudden they will abandon the chair for another one.

If I can see and feel this gravity thing with such intensity then I know there are thousands, no millions that feel the same way or at least will, when they are made fully aware of the gravity of the situation. So I need your help in spreading the news by getting this report out to everyone you know. I will do my part, but you need to help spread the news to everyone you know. Pass the word and just let them all know that no monetary gift is too small to help push the gravity thing to a global level.

So you see my friends that I do have a grasp of this gravity thing and the scientific evidence to back up my claims. So stop your worry about global warming and concentrate on the real menace that is taking over the world…… gravity.