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When I Die

John McCurdy - 12-23-2020

A number of years ago, Pearl and I, in a very somber moment, engaged in one of those conversation s that one has to have in a relationship if it is to continue in an atmosphere of openness and love, or at the minimum, of mutual respect.

Pearl was telling me of the latest gossip in our town. She mentioned an acquaintance, whose wife had died a few months before, and who apparently had developed a relationship with a lady from a neighboring town! I, frankly, just filed the story, under “stuff”. Now my “stuff” can be recalled if needed , or forgotten, as one desires, it is of little import and generally I forget it. Sometimes to my castigation for “not really caring” and I suspect that is true.

My wife, took my actions and attitudes personally for a few minutes, Her words were,’’ six months after I am dead, You will have some ‘floozie’ in my home, You men are all alike”! I was aware of a growing feeling of sadness for myself and for her. “Pearl, I love you dearly and I love being married to you! I believe those are also your feelings. I love being married to you, I love all the things that marriage means. Being married means I am complete. I don’t especially mean that I always love you or even that I like you at that moment. The act of our being married does mean we won’t get out of it easily, we will talk and it will likely be worked out in a few days and merely be another memory in time along with other memories."

When I die my wish would be that you mourn as never before, tear your hair and scream, It may help, It likely will not. Time will, memories like the time we both peed on the Continental Divide in the Rocky Mountains, and have laughed about so many times. The love and the memories will still be there, they will offer solace and not pain.

My wish for you would be that you find someone who is comfortable to be with and that you can trust and who is pleasant and kind. Someone who needs you and who will want to fill your needs.

Whether you live together or sleep together is “stuff” and is icing on the cake and draws some closer. I don’t care. It’s your body, is it not?

If you go first, that’s likely what I will do, because I love being married, I am complete. Who I am buried beside , or where my ashes are spread is inconsequential. You and I will be everywhere in the wind and the waters and the dirt under our feet and it was life and it was good.

We embraced, and we wept for all of the fools who have not yet realized that love is limitless, it is never “No More”!

Comments

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Elizabeth Gathright · Mar 18, 2021

"Ole Shootin' Buddy", I am glad you put me on to this. We have had a lot in common in our lives, and now in our respective loves, losing 'em. But things are different for each of us. I am looking forward to coming over the hill. & patting your back, and so is Dee.

John McCurdy · Jan 22, 2021

I get Along without you very well, except for Spring, but I should never look at spring for when I do!

Bill Micvhelinie · Dec 27, 2020

Whoops, I forgot to type my name on the comment below! It's that darn some-timers again!

Anonymous · Dec 27, 2020

John,

I believe that God and our families want us to be happy. Let me tell you what my favorite uncle did after his wife of many, many years died of cancer. I think you knew my aunt but I won't mention her name here. She was an Alderson girl through and through. After about 5 years or so, my uncle was thinking that keeping up a single home was getting to be too much so he went to visit an assisted living home to see what it was all about. The nice lady at the front desk befriended him and set up a meeting with him and her mother! (See, our family wants us to be happy!) Well, they clicked immediately and they were fast friends (and lovers I suspect) but they never got married and had a very nice arrangement where they kept their separate homes and she would come on a regular weekly schedule to stay with my uncle. He never left his home.
We, the family, were thrilled for him. He was about your age when the relationship started so it is not too late for you. It worked beautifully for all concerned for quite a few years and because there was no legal contract, no financial losses were incurred as a result. Let me be the first to wish for you to find a companion to spend the autumn of your life with!! :-)

John McCurdy · Dec 24, 2020

I believe with all my heart that God wishes all of his children to be happy

John McCurdy · Dec 24, 2020

I would like to know what others think about the situation. We are all getting close to adulthood and being able to think without all the baggage society wants to put on us. I am sure many of us have thought about the very same situation. There are many questions one needs to think about. What kind of a relationship? Financial? Sexual, Kin-folk, etc! Notice what I put first!

J. McCurdy · Dec 24, 2020

Pearl was a dear, much too good for me! We were married almost 70 years. Our marriage, like most others, was one of love and dislike, depending on the day! I don't think it possible to set time limits. that's depending on the individual. The story we have always heard about the Women who will be beating your/my door down may be true but I sure haven't experienced it. I have had several what I would call "dates", lunches , talk, catching-up! ----I have realized I love all of them ,I just don't have the energy for a courtship. It is a tough decision, loneliness is a b-----! ,I think I am ready for a relationship! What kind to be open to agreement.
I really think a Commitment without any formal kind of documents would be my preference. I understand that it's more and more
the way it is done.

Bill Michelinie · Dec 23, 2020

Pearl was a wonderful person. I am so glad to have known her. I hope my wife Lenore and I can have a similar conversation to you and Pearls. The person left behind, as is usually what happens, will be glad it did. I've often pondered how long is long enough to have a new relationship after your spouse has died. We can agree that one month is not long enough. A year? Two years? Five years? Ten? After being married now for 43+ years I can't imagine life alone. I'd like to think that if Lenore predeceases me, I will respect her memory and remain single the rest of my life.

Harley Lemons · Dec 23, 2020

Thanks for Sharing that John.

jOHN · June 13, 2020

Thanks for you good wishes. Sadly Pearl died two years ago of a massive blood clot subsequent to Hip surgery recovery. Yes I miss her terribly.

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