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Recently
Boozer and Eight Ball sat together at the Big Wheel and discussed
the last presidential election over coffee. You remember Eight Ball
don’t you? If not, he’s that well known Aldersonian who picked up
his nick-name when he made the eight ball three times in a row while
playing the pool game Eight Ball.
I was told of
the conversation after the fact. It was an interesting conversation,
so I’ll pass it along. It went something like this:
Eight Ball:
I just can’t understand how Obama won the election.
Boozer:
Yes, most everyone thought it would be close, but that Romney would
win. Moreover, most Republicans were convinced that Romney would run
away with it. The result even depressed me; I voted for Romney.
Eight Ball:
Ok, but do you have any insight about what happened?
Boozer:
Oh, I guess it’s somewhat understandable. There’s a story about a
woman in Alabama that might shed some light on the situation.
Eight Ball:
A woman in Alabama?
Boozer:
Yes, there was this elderly woman in Alabama who wanted to be buried
in Chicago when she died even though she had never been out of the
state of Alabama. She was very active in politics all of her life
and she always voted.
Eight Ball:
But why did she want to be buried in Chicago?
Boozer:
Well, that’s the point. She knew that if she was buried in Chicago
she could vote after she died. You know Chicago has a history of the
dead voting in elections.
Eight Ball:
You mean it was the dead that elected Obama? Did the dead come to
life as Zombies, walk to the polls and vote for Obama?
Boozer:
Well, I don’t say that the dead arose from their graves and voted,
but we don’t know exactly what happened. Romney was supposed to win.
Eight Ball:
Are you telling me that the election was crooked?
Boozer:
You know what they say about politics don’t you?
Eight Ball:
No, what?
Boozer:
In the real world the shortest distance between two points is a
straight line, but in politics, the shortest distance between two
points is a crooked line.
Eight Ball:
Boozer you’re destroying my faith in our election process. After all
of the money that was spent on the election, my man should have won.
Boozer:
Well to paraphrase Winston Churchill, “Never have so few spent so
much to accomplish so little.”
Eight Ball:
Winston Churchill, who’s he?
Boozer:
Oh, never mind.
Eight Ball:
I know one thing for sure; Obama isn’t qualified to be president.
Boozer:
Why’s that? Do you believe that he was born in Kenya?
Eight Ball:
No, it’s settled, he was born in the U.S. for sure, but the
constitution says that the president must be a natural born
citizen. Well, I have it on good authority that he was delivered by
C-section. A C-section is not a natural birth, so he’s not natural
born. Therefore, he’s not qualified.
Boozer:
On good authority? Who told you that?
Eight Ball:
My man, Donald Trump and when he says something you can take it to
the bank.
Boozer:
Right! I’m sure everyone will believe you knowing that His Hairness
said it.
Eight Ball:
I also believe that aliens played a big role in the election?
Boozer:
Aliens? What makes you believe there are aliens among us?
Eight Ball:
I know that there are aliens in Alderson and if they are here then
they must be everywhere.
Boozer:
Aliens in Alderson?
Eight Ball:
Yes, I know a man in Alderson who has web feet. No normal human has
this, so he must be an alien from another planet or maybe even from
a parallel universe.
Boozer:
Web feet?
Eight Ball:
Yes, just like a duck with webbing between his toes.
Boozer:
Do I know him?
Eight Ball:
I’m sure you do, but I don’t want to give his name.
Boozer:
Why not?
Eight Ball:
It’s out of respect. I don’t want his friends kidding him about it.
Boozer:
Ok, I can understand that, but I would sure like to know his name. I
won’t tell!
Eight Ball:
Sorry man, can’t give it out.
Boozer:
Do you know how he voted?
Eight Ball:
I’m sure he voted for Obama and I believe it’s the aliens that put
Obama over the top. Without their vote, Obama would not have been
elected president for a second time.
Boozer:
Well that means that there must be quite a few of them in America.
Eight Ball:
Yes indeed and we are going to have to keep an eye on them.
Boozer:
But how do you identify an alien? Do they all have webbed feet?
Eight Ball:
I don’t really know, but I think we should use the Patriot Act and
throw’em in jail forever.
Boozer:
But if you can’t identify them how can you do that?
Eight Ball:
It makes no difference. Anyone who voted for Obama is a political
terrorist, so just throw’em all in jail and never let’em out.
Boozer:
Are you confusing aliens and illegal immigrants?
Eight Ball:
Illegal Immigrants, they’re aliens too.
Boozer:
What makes you say that?
Eight Ball:
They speak in tongues and only aliens do that.
Boozer:
Eight Ball, I think a couple of your pages are stuck together.
Eight Ball:
No, man, I’m ok. Believe me, my mind is as sound as a fiddle.
Boozer:
Well, I hope so, but aliens in Alderson? Seems strange to me, but
I’ll give it some serious thought!
Eight Ball:
You do that Boozer. You know, I think I’ve learned you something
important today.
Boozer:
Not really, but how about another cup of coffee?
Eight Ball:
Sure, why not.
Boozer:
What do you think about guns in America?
Eight Ball:
Well, it’s the constitution that’s wrong on this one.
Boozer:
What do you mean?
Eight Ball:
Tommy got it wrong.
Boozer:
Tommy?
Eight Ball:
Yes, Tommy Jefferson.
Boozer:
Got it wrong; I don’t know what you mean.
Eight Ball:
Well, back in the days when the constitution was being written,
Puritans in the South were mandating that everyone should keep their
body well covered. To comply with this, everyone had to wear long
sleeved shirts, even in the summer and you know how hot it can get
down that way. In the North, the Blue Boy Shirt Company was lobbing
for the right of those folks to wear short sleeved shirts in the
summer so that they could increase their sales.
Boozer:
You mean that Blue Boy Shirt Factory was lobbying for the right of
southerners to have bare arms in summer?
Eight Ball:
Yes and the right to bare arms was to go into the constitution, but
somehow Tommy got it mixed up with that militia thing.
Boozer:
Who told you about this?
Eight Ball:
The Donald of course.
Boozer:
Oh boy, here we go again. You know that Donald Trump is a Walnut
Head don’t you?
Eight Ball:
A Walnut Head, what’s that?
Boozer:
Anyone who by spoken word or deed shows him or herself to be a crazy
nut is a Walnut Head. There’s a lot of them around.
Eight Ball:
I’ve never heard of that before, but you can rest assured that my
man, The Donald, is no crazy nut.
Boozer:
Sure he is man, sure he is.
Eight Ball:
Hmmmm, well I’ll think about it.
Boozer:
You do that Eight Ball, you do that.
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